


i'm trying all i can to forget you again

by brckendreams



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: Alcohol, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, F/F, Heartbreaking, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Mentions of Swearing, Profanity/swearing, shoni angst, this will most certainly break your hearts, toni and shelby fighting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-17 20:41:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29356647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brckendreams/pseuds/brckendreams
Summary: A heartbroken and intoxicated Toni decides that calling her ex would give her a sense of relief but, instead, all the girl receives is more pain.
Relationships: Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 8
Kudos: 53





	i'm trying all i can to forget you again

**Author's Note:**

> this fic is very angsty and very sad so that is a warning right now. But, I hope you all enjoy this little fic of mine :)  
> -k

Alcohol. She needed lots of fucking alcohol.

Toni sat in her living room, slumped down in the old recliner she bought from Ikea. Till this day the girl doesn’t know how she was able to put it together successfully but that’s when she remembered she had a little help from someone. That’s when Toni had to drag her free hand down her face before taking another swing of the almost empty bottle of vodka she had in her other hand.

She did not need to think about her right now, but Toni was currently slumped in the recliner surrounded by everything that reminded her of the girl who’s heart she broke all those weeks ago. Pictures, forgotten clothes, the lingering perfume she always wore, and the stupid chair Toni was currently lying on.

The silence that surrounded the brunette felt as if it was taunting her, silently telling her that she fucked up badly and that she was never going to be able to fix it. That Toni Shalifoe was going to live in this silence for the rest of her life. A silence filled with loneliness, heartbreak, and pain. Toni thought maybe she deserved to be alone, seeing as she decided to solve her problems like her mother had. With a bottle of alcohol in her hands.

Toni scoffed to herself because all she could think about as she stared at the bottle in her hands was that she was becoming her mother. A drunk. And the reason for it was because she messed up the one good thing in her life and she wasn’t going to get it back. All that alcohol she consumed every night did was make her feel numb for a certain amount of time, to not feel or think about what she had done.

But, it only lasted a certain amount of time before those feelings Toni tried to suppress always came rushing back, hitting her like a ton of bricks. When that happened, bad shit always seemed to just occur like a domino effect and Toni would always do something to make her entire situation worse for herself.

And tonight was no exception.

Toni chugged down the rest of the vodka in the bottle, but the girl needed more because she wasn’t done drowning her feelings yet. But, it’s not like that ever worked for her. She was drowning in this pool of feelings because Toni was still in love with the Texan that seemed to infiltrate her life like a damn missile.

Shelby was her name and Toni was madly in love with her, but Toni had messed up big time. She had caused the blonde to pack up and leave Toni in the dust of their thought to be forever love. But, Toni couldn’t blame Shelby for leaving because every single time, at one point, Toni drives the people she loves to always leave her.

The two had gotten into a huge fight over something that Toni has now forgotten (which she most definitely shouldn’t have). Over the course of the past weeks after her break up with Shelby, Toni drank and smoked and just tried to drown her sorrows away, but she happened to also drown the importance of their fight into a bottle and out of her memories.

Shelby slipped through Toni’s hands and now Toni, instead of fighting for Shelby to come back, opened her liquor cabinet and just plowed through the wooden cupboard like it was just a stash of Takis. Toni told herself she didn’t have a good reason to fight for her relationship with people, but in reality, she was too scared of herself being important to anyone else.

Toni didn’t want to be a burden for anyone but herself. So, a part of herself that held onto her insecurities and her disbelief that someone would ever care about her would self sabotage the Shalifoe into ruining every good thing she had. She was a ticking time bomb, who would self destruct whenever someone got close.

Toni shook her head, trying to get rid of those thoughts and her thoughts about Shelby, but the brunette had run out of liquor to do so. So, she slowly got up off the recliner, stretching her legs after sitting in that cheap ass chair for a lot longer than she should’ve. Toni could even hear the squeak in the recliner that seemed to make that sound every time someone used it. Toni just noticing the sound it was making, causing her to get slightly annoyed by it.

Toni shrugged it off and decided to walk towards her kitchen towards the liquor cabinet to grab another bottle of vodka for herself. Her feet sluggishly dragged themselves on the wooden floorboards, the girl trying to keep her balance as she finally got to the kitchen. Even though the kitchen was only a few strides away from her living room. 

Toni scratched the back of her neck as she opened the small door of the cupboard and grabbed the neck of the last remaining bottle of vodka she had. “Shit,” was all she grumpily whispered under her breath as she realized that it was her last bottle of liquor in her small apartment.

Toni set the bottle down on the counter, internally battling with herself if she should even open the bottle. It was just another bottle that had this ability to make someone forget their mistakes and something that allowed that person to just drink their emotions until they couldn’t feel them anymore. However, that bottle just created another bottle inside of Toni where she could bottle up those feelings, digging them deeper so she couldn’t feel them.

That bottle though wasn’t able to hold the amount of emotion Toni conveyed. Her emotions got the best of her, mostly through anger or because she cared too much for people. Her feelings were an endless tidal wave of emotions that hit her over and over again. She didn’t know how to control them though and that’s what always got in the way of any relationship she had with anyone.

So, as Toni stared at the bottle, she was starting to think that maybe she should start trying to find that control right now. Right that instant as she was drunk…yeah that was gonna end well. She was totally going to remember that she had this conversation with herself to work on her self control in the morning. Toni still wanted to try it though, maybe it could help the brunette in taking a first step in fixing all her broken relationships.

However, as those words processed in Toni’s mind, all the girl could do was scrunch her nose up and furrowed her eyebrows at the way she chose to think those words out. “Fucking hell, I sound like an AA sponsor with that shit,” Toni told herself, rolling her eyes at the words that came to her head. Toni was not in the mood for that bullshit because if it didn’t work with her and her mother’s relationship, it sure won’t with any of Toni’s relationships.

And it seemed that Toni’s sign that her future attempt at self control was going to be an epic failure when Toni saw her phone light up from the countertop near the sink to her left. Toni squinted at the bright screen but her eyes widened once she saw the notification. All thoughts of self control flew right out the window as Toni scrambled towards the phone, trying to not trip and fall since she was still very intoxicated.

Toni instantly grabbed her phone and scanned the notification that popped up on her lockscreen for it to say that Fatin had just posted a photo on her Instagram. Sadly, Toni knew that Shelby and Fatin had been hanging out recently and basically hanging out as Toni opened her Instagram to check the photo. Yes, she knew she was being a total dumbass and all but she still had those little sparks of hope floating around in her.

Toni finally opened the post to see it was Fatin and Shelby laughing together at something that one of the two said and the two believed to be funny. A part of Toni was a little jealous that Fatin was spending time with Shelby but, it was also not Toni’s place to be jealous. It was her own damn fault that she wasn’t the one able to be with and laugh with Shelby. It was her own damn fault and she knew it, but she would never admit it to anyone.

That picture gave Toni the opportunity to look through her own photos, having not deleted any of the photos she had of Shelby and the photos she had of the two of them together. She just couldn’t let go of them nor could she, nor would she, let go of Shelby. Toni scrolled through all of their photos that captured the love they had for each other. The photos that were now eternalized into just memories of the two that passed and were probably going to be forgotten by the two. But, the pictures would hold those cherished and happy memories within the small paper.

Since Toni was already in too deep while looking through her phone, it seemed her hands had minds of their own when Toni's finger hovered over the call button. Her thumb pressed down on the green icon and Toni deeply knew it was a terrible idea, but her body had other ideas for the girl. As her eyes scanned through the list of contacts in her phone, she stopped swiping until she hit the certain letter category she so desperately was looking for to find a certain someone. Toni let her eyes focus on the name she was searching for, a part of her not believing that she still had Shelby's contact name in her phone. Who the fuck knew? To be honest, everyone knew.

Toni bit the inside of her lip, now having another internal battle on whether her drunk ass self should call Shelby. Because calling your ex drunk in the middle of the night is such a good idea. But, once Toni's finger pressed on the woman's contact, Toni wasn't going back now. "Fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK!" Toni's tone grew the more she let the phone ring. One ring; the brunette placed the phone to her ear eagerly. Two rings; Toni pinched her nose as her leg started to bounce up and down from anxiety. Three rings; Toni widened her eyes realizing she had no idea what she was even going to say. Four rings; and that's when panic started to fully consume Toni. Five rings and all Toni was muttering was incoherent swears under her breath now having no idea why she was doing this. Once the sixth ring could be heard, Toni swiftly put the phone back down on the table, backing away from it as she rubbed her hands down her face in uncertainty. But, there was so seventh ring, but instead Toni's heart dropped when she heard the familiar voice of one Shelby Goodkind.

Toni's mind was just a blur at this point, unable to process whether she should be happy from hearing Shelby's voice again or sad that she was now just reminiscing of the times where she and Shelby were happy with each other. Then Toni's entire mood deflated once she realized that Shelby wasn't really on the other side of the phone. "Hey, this is Shelby,! I mean of course it is, why would you be calling me if it wasn't? Unless you totally have the wrong number... Anyways, I can't be reached at this moment but leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can!" 

Toni felt a mixture of relief and despair once she realized that Shelby didn’t pick up but instead it went to voicemail. Not just that, but Toni heard that the recording was different from the one Shelby had before when she and Toni were together. Toni could remember as Shelby was trying to record her voicemail message, Toni would always butt in and make the girl mess up the message.

“Hi! You’ve reached Shelby Goodkind! I…Toni! Stop it, you’re gonna make me mess this up again. Babe!” Shelby laughed out as Toni interrupted the blonde by tickling her.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” Toni raised her hands in surrender, a smirk playing on her lips knowing she wasn’t.

As Toni’s mind went back to that memory of hers, that bottle of emotions inside of her started to slowly open. The cap slowly unscrewing itself and allowing those uncontrollable emotions of hers start to unravel. Those feelings Toni kept locked away now seeped through its cage and went straight for her heart, tugging on her heart strings. Tugging on them so much that they now had control of what the brunette’s next move was going to be. And that was leaving Shelby a message.

Toni heard the beep of the phone that suggested the caller could leave a message for the person they were trying to call. Toni rung her hands together, “this is a terrible fucking idea.” Those are the words she said before picking up the phone and placing it on her ear to quickly leave a message. Being intoxicated wasn’t going to help the girl, knowing she was going to come off as an idiot. A lovesick idiot. But, Toni didn’t care, she just wanted to tell Shelby how sorry she was and that she just wanted to make things better between the two of them.

Toni cleared her throat, “h-hey Shel, uh, Shelby. It’s Toni, just to clarify it’s me if you don’t already know. Which is highly unlikely. Um, I just wanted to call you and say that I-I’m sorry…for everything. I messed up and e-everything but I want to say I’m sorry for everything I caused you. Yeah, um, yeah…”

Toni quickly hung up the phone, cringing at herself for being that terrible at calling the blonde. Toni had to facepalm at her own actions, lightly banging the phone against her forehead as she relayed the words in her head. “Who the fuck says that, Toni. You idiot, you are terrible at this,” Toni told herself as she leaned back on the countertop behind her and stared at Shelby’s number again.

The brunette debated whether or not she should call Shelby again to make sure she got, or didn’t get, the brunette’s message. Toni sighed, “why the fuck do you keep doing this?” Toni was just constantly battling herself and her drunken decisions but it’s not like the alcohol she consumed wasn’t shoving her in the wrong direction at the moment, no life line in sight.

And it shoved her one last time, right over the edge, into calling Shelby again. Toni allowed her finger to press Shelby’s name again and allowed her phone to ring once, twice, three times. Toni expected Shelby to just not answer her and have Toni leave another message but that flew out the window, joining Toni’s common sense, as the phone call didn’t ring as long as the last. When Toni heard a cautious ‘hello’ come from the other end of the phone, she knew she fucked up big time. Yet, it was an opportunity to possibly make things right for herself.

Toni closed her eyes, trying to allow the alcohol that coursed through her body to settle and to leave so she wouldn’t mess this opportunity up in possibly repairing a relationship she so desperately wanted. Toni knew it would be a long shot but she wasn’t going to believe that she had no shot. A long shot was still a shot, even though it was a shot in the dark for the Shalifoe.

Toni bit her lip nervously, “hey Shelby.” Toni’s voice was just above a whisper, not knowing if the blonde actually heard it, but Toni's guess was wrong when she could hear a sigh come from the other end of the phone call. “Hi Toni,” was the first thing Toni could hear come from the Texan. Toni could hear the exhaustion in Shelby’s voice, along with something else but she couldn’t pinpoint what it was. She thought it must be anger of some sorts since Toni of all people was calling her in the middle of the night.

“What do you want Toni?” Shelby asked the brunette on the other end, not knowing why Toni was calling not just late at night but at all to begin with. Toni definitely could hear the exhaustion and possible annoyance of Shelby, knowing Toni’s phone call was to be expected and unexpected at the same time. But, Toni wasn’t phased because she wanted Shelby to know that she was sorry and that all Toni wanted to do was make it up to Shelby in any way possible.

“I-I just wanted to know if-if you were okay?” Toni squeaked out towards the end, trying not to slur her words as much as she was doing. However, it didn’t work because Shelby seemed to bypass the bullshit in Toni’s tone to know that the girl was completely drunk.

Shelby rolled her eyes, “I’m fine Toni, but you clearly aren’t. Are you drunk right now?” Shelby knew the answer already but she wanted to see if Toni would admit it or not. Shelby also knew that Toni wasn’t that good at calling people she fell out of touch with because deep down Toni didn’t think she deserved anyone. Yet, Shelby could see her and all of her flaws no matter how hard Toni tried to hide them from the blonde, as well as everyone else.

Toni widened her eyes as she knew she was caught, but Toni was stubborn in making it known that she was caught in the act of lying. “N-no, I just wanted to call you and, um, see how you were doing,” Toni said, slightly clearing her throat as she finished that sentence. Toni didn’t want to get caughtin her own lying but Toni was talking to Shelby of all people, who clearly knew when the Shalifoe was lying and when she wasn’t.

“You know, you are still the worst liar I’ve ever met? Cause you decided to call me twice at 2am in the morning slurring your words. So, clearly, you’re intoxicated,” Shelby pointed out to Toni, rolling her eyes in the process knowing Toni wasn’t this bad of a liar. But, alcohol did things to people and Toni was being influenced by it as the ex-couple spoke over the phone.

“Ok, I’m a shitty liar and I am drunk but-but I called you for a reason, Shel. I want you back and I feel like a part of me is missing without you. That-that I ruined the one good thing in my life but I want it back. I want you back because I still love you. I messed up and I know I messed up and I want to make it up to you Shelby. I…I want us again, what we had again. Please, Shelby, you’re all I’ve got left and without it, I have no fucking clue what I’m doing,” Toni confessed to the blonde on the other end of the phone.

Silence. Silence is what surrounded the two as Shelby processed Toni’s words. Shelby felt bad for the Shalifoe girl that she loved but now wasn’t right for them. Not with Toni drinking and not with Toni’s problems with controlling her anger. A part of Shelby wanted to just say fuck it and get back together with Toni but the other part of Shelby knew with the state Toni was in now, their relationship would just end, over and over again, if they tried once more.

Shelby loved Toni with all her heart but after everything that happened last time between the two, she knew she wasn’t capable of dealing with it all on her own. Shelby loved Toni but she knew that if they were going to work, Toni had to try and control her issues with anger and self control. That Toni needed someone, but it just couldn’t be Shelby. Shelby just needed to step away from it all and allow the two of them to grow into themselves before they grow with each other.

The silence was still lingering between the two, Toni having no idea if Shelby was still there and Shelby just too deep in her thoughts to realize she hadn’t given an answer to Toni yet. Shelby cleared her throat as she shook her head out of her thoughts, “I’m sorry Toni, I can’t be that person for you, not right now. I’m sorry but the ‘us’ you want Toni isn’t happening again. It just wasn’t right for us, not then and not now. I’m sorry.”

That’s when the line went dead and Shelby hung up, the girl unable to say anything else. Shelby was just too heartbroken to deal with another heartbreak. Shelby just wanted to repair her broken heart, yet, the one who could repair it the most was the one who broke it in the first place.

Toni was silent on the other end of that hang up. Toni blinked, unable to fully process what Shelby had said at first. But, it didn’t last long because Shelby’s words hit home for Toni. That bottle now just exploding within the Shalifoe after she fully processed what Shelby had said before hanging up on Toni. Toni allowed a single tear to escape through the crack in her wall. A wall that now built itself up ten times higher, wanting nothing to do with Shelby and nothing to do with anyone. Toni’s anger now coursed through her body and her veins, feeling her throat tighten as she held back the tears that wanted to shed.

Toni looked down at her phone before throwing it back on the table, wanting nothing to do with it anymore. The brunette now having enough, regretting ever calling Shelby and regretting everything that happened between them. Toni regretted everything and she hated that she did. So, Toni went back to trying to not feel again, to not feel the pain that was just inflicted on her already broken soul. So, Toni was going to go back to wallowing in her despair with the last bottle of vodka in her hands, sitting in that stupid recliner.

And that’s what Toni did. She walked away from that phone and towards the bottle of vodka she had left near the sink, taking the bottle in her hands. She then walked over to the living room and sank into that same recliner with that terrible squeak in it. Toni’s ears filled with the obnoxious noise coming from the recliner she was currently sitting in as she took one swig of the bottle.

However, Toni was too angry not to ignore the noise coming from the chair she was currently sitting in. Her anger also didn’t seem to stop her from realizing that the chair she was currently sitting in, the one that she bought from Ikea, wasn’t just hers. It was her and Shelby’s squeaky, Ikea recliner. The one they tried building themselves. The squeak of the recliner being a reminder that she and Shelby were the reason it was squeaking in the first place. Toni remembering that they laughed about that small squeak, knowing they most definitely put it together wrong. But, the answer that Shelby had for the squeaky recliner is what really set Toni off.

“Hey, if it works, it works. If it doesn’t break on us then it’s perfectly fine and if it does break, we can always just fix it.” Those were the words the blonde said and the words that were practically engraved into Toni’s mind.

‘And if it does break, we can always fix it.’ I guess that didn’t apply to their relationship, only a cheap Ikea recliner. As Toni let those words play in her head on loop, it just pissed her of even more. About Shelby, about their relationship, but, right now, it was mostly about the stupid ass recliner she was sitting in. Toni rose from the chair, setting the bottle of vodka down before glaring back at the chair. Toni kicked it at first, repeatedly, as she let her anger out on Shelby towards the chair. That’s when it escalated from kicking the damn thing to basically tearing the chair apart and breaking it.

Because for Toni, if it was broken, it was going to stay broken.

After Toni completely destroyed the chair she was sitting in, she broke down in tears. The Shalifoe allowing her wall to crumble into dust and to allow her feelings and emotions spill out in waves of tears. Toni allowed herself to self destruct like the ticking time bomb she was. She allowed herself to be broken and hurt that Shelby didn’t want her. That no one wanted her. That Toni Shalifoe was alone and she would always be alone. That’s how Toni felt and it was possibly going to be how she always felt without the people she loved. Without the woman she loved. Just broken.

**Author's Note:**

> Again, I hope you all enjoyed this fic if your heart allowed you to reach the end. Any feedback is much appreciated and thank you for reading. Stay safe everyone!


End file.
